Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?

   There is nothing a drunk me and some bullets can't fix.

   Jail Me Elmo , Just in time for the Holiday season, " Hello My Name is Elmo , Can you say Incarcerated?"

   Now that we have a cease fire in Gaza, I wish Obama would send Clinton to work on the Hostess/Twinkie mess....

   I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body? My yard is full.

   Life has no remote. You have to get up and change it yourself.

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   If Cinderella's shoe fit perfect, why did it slip off to start with?

   There's not much creepier than an old man with an earring.

   Life is no longer a box of chocolates, I ate them all.

   Maybe poor people don't even like food,, we don't know.

   I want to find a lawyer that makes $130,000 payments on my behalf, for things I never did, and he doesn't ask for repayment. Amazing.

   Heck .... If you don't want to make America Great Again .... What else would you want to do with the country?

   If Hillary wins the White House, I'm moving to a country that will be considerably more safe: Yemen.