Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be selfish with your prayers.

   Celebrity Ghost Stories are first hand experiences of celebrities who smoked crack.

   It's the strangest feeling when you come out of the cinema when a film ends, because you were so sucked into the film that you forget all about real life.

   It's really annoying when people tell you to be yourself, just as you're about to turn into a lamp.

   Olive Garden says: "When you're here you're family". I won't go there out of fear of a woman resembling my grandmother running out of the kitchen and throwing a shoe at my head.

   shocked that thousands of military personnel have lost their lives and no one says a thing. a drugged out celebrity dies and... well, you know. now THAT'S FUNNY!!!

   I wish the oil companies would give up "ridiculous price gouging" for lent...

   The hardest choice I have to make everyday is what to wear cause if I turn into a zombie I want to look good!

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   i'm feeling a little off today , wanna turn me on?

   1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands,7 seas, over 6 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.

   they say we need to do more for the mexican people, which I think we do cause the fences arent electric.

   During sex last night I whispered those 3 little words in my wifes ear...................................."Stop, Don't Move".

   Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.

   I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earings I wore in high school.

   Happy 12/13/14.

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   So there's a football game going on at the Katy Perry concert?

   There has been so much snow in Mass. that Elizabeth Warren is claiming to be an Eskimo

   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.