Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   here's to you nipples, without you boobies would be pointless

   I saw Stevie Wonder in concert last year but I don't think he saw me.

   25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan....Johnny Cash and Bob Hope..now we have Obama no Cash and no Hope....

   If you tell a cop "I can't breathe" he knows you're lying because if you couldn't breathe you couldn't talk.

   everything you're not.

   Awake √ breathing √ blessed √ Thankful √. God is good

   Dear Atheist,if God isn't real why does it bother you so much if I pray to him and always will.

   It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.

   How will we know when Adele has had the baby?

   n't it ironic that the wife of the president who failed to rescue embassy personnel is giving an award for a movie about the successful rescue of embassy personnel?

   Why is trump pardoning a turkey? Did it murder a journalist?

   The only thing holding me back from actually keeping up with the Kardashians is having to swallow all that semen.

   sometimes I stare at a woman and wonder, "what would it take to stub her camel toe..."

   How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

   So you can't even find time in your day to send me just one message? I guess that tells me where I stand.. if you want me in your life, find a way of getting me there.. i'm done trying!

   This is worse than divorce.. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife.!!!!

   rattlesnakes and condoms. 2 things I dont fu*k with.

   *holding my shirt* excuse miss, would you consider this boyfriend material?!?!

   Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same melody?

   If a guy named David has his ID stolen, do we have to call him Dav?