Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How will we know when Adele has had the baby?

   n't it ironic that the wife of the president who failed to rescue embassy personnel is giving an award for a movie about the successful rescue of embassy personnel?

   Why is trump pardoning a turkey? Did it murder a journalist?

   The only thing holding me back from actually keeping up with the Kardashians is having to swallow all that semen.

   sometimes I stare at a woman and wonder, "what would it take to stub her camel toe..."

   How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

   So you can't even find time in your day to send me just one message? I guess that tells me where I stand.. if you want me in your life, find a way of getting me there.. i'm done trying!

   This is worse than divorce.. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife.!!!!

   rattlesnakes and condoms. 2 things I dont fu*k with.

   Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same melody?

   If a guy named David has his ID stolen, do we have to call him Dav?

   Interesting....Nearly all religions support love....but cause the most wars.

   President Obama said 1992's dream team was better than this year's Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992's president is better than this year's president

   Monopoly has come out with a new version of its board game to commemorate President Obama.....all the properties have half their value and the money has been replaced with foodstamps

   so great Tony the tigers jealous

   wondering "Do I think I am Paranoid?"

   What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.

   If your having facial spasms I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a twitch aint one.

   with your cousin.... in your bed...using your video camera

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like a hand job