Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would probably buy my wife a lot more flowers if they were a plant that I could smoke and get high on once it died and dried out.

   Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.

   Really, Fresh Prince's mother? One little fight and you ship him across the continent? You won't get a "#1 Mom" mug from me, I assure you.

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world...

   I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.

   Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.

   MOM,,, Even the Cookie Monster WON'T EAT AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE

   I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

   Why do saudis wear a pizza tablecloth on their heads?

   I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal.

   Q. How do Mooslims practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.

   If you're a welder than knows how to lay pipe, you're about to get RICH , !!!!!!

   So you're telling me there used to be nothing. Then all of the sudden their was an explosion (how did you have an ignition source let alone a combustable?) and you say that's what started the universe? How is you have a hard time believing in Christ?

   "liking the sun, and the letter in between it"

   Mr President, if you like your apology, you can keep your apology.

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? The brave fallen solders of WWII fought so hard to defeat the Nazi’s so we can have the freedom to change the channel.

   Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.

   Coffe so black it wants to start looting.

   a Great source of Protein

   Go ahead and seceded, you will lose Hollywood and New York and you will gain Texas. YEE-HAW!