Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do saudis wear a pizza tablecloth on their heads?

   I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal.

   Q. How do Mooslims practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.

   If you're a welder than knows how to lay pipe, you're about to get RICH , !!!!!!

   So you're telling me there used to be nothing. Then all of the sudden their was an explosion (how did you have an ignition source let alone a combustable?) and you say that's what started the universe? How is you have a hard time believing in Christ?

   "liking the sun, and the letter in between it"

   Mr President, if you like your apology, you can keep your apology.

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? The brave fallen solders of WWII fought so hard to defeat the Nazi’s so we can have the freedom to change the channel.

   Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.

   Coffe so black it wants to start looting.

   a Great source of Protein

   Go ahead and seceded, you will lose Hollywood and New York and you will gain Texas. YEE-HAW!

   here's to you nipples, without you boobies would be pointless

   I saw Stevie Wonder in concert last year but I don't think he saw me.

   25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan....Johnny Cash and Bob Hope..now we have Obama no Cash and no Hope....

   If you tell a cop "I can't breathe" he knows you're lying because if you couldn't breathe you couldn't talk.

   everything you're not.

   Awake √ breathing √ blessed √ Thankful √. God is good

   Dear Atheist,if God isn't real why does it bother you so much if I pray to him and always will.

   It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.