Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finds it interesting that most of the girls in the sex addiction meetings are either Pentecostal or Mennonite's

   always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

   They say that if life throws you lemons, throw them back or make lemonade. But them b*stards never said anything about if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah, there's no recovery from that one!

   doing an environmental studies course and needs ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please.

   I don't know how to do my own taxes, but I CAN name the brand of cereal just by hearing it being poured into a bowl in the other room

   traveling through a maze.. In other words he's amazing

   If at first you don't succeed..... consider the fact that you may $%&! Suck!

   When you r right no one remembers... But When you r wrong no one forgets..!

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   wants to buy skittles and randomly throw them at people yelling taste the rainbow.

   likes to send facebook status updates from my phone sometimes just to make it look like I left the house that day.

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   You ever hear stories of people you have never seen before and you create an image of what they look like and when you finally see them you kind of get disappointed or weirded out that they don't look like what you imagined?

   Do you remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the window, you put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   ...is upset about all of these celebrity deaths. First, Rue McClanahan, then, Gary Coleman, and now, Jimmy Dean. I guess you could summarize it as the loss of "sex, drugs, and sausage rolls"....

   Loneliness taught me evrythng in this world, Except Hw 2 4get the person who made me alone ...

   is hoping for some Salem style mayhem before having to sit through another Harry Potter snorefest.....Gandalf still owes me 8 bucks for the last one.

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   Time to break out my mistletoe belt buckle!