Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The vet confirmed my dog is now officially lame. I'll start walking her in Ed Hardy gear then

   finds it interesting that most of the girls in the sex addiction meetings are either Pentecostal or Mennonite's

   always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

   They say that if life throws you lemons, throw them back or make lemonade. But them b*stards never said anything about if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah, there's no recovery from that one!

   doing an environmental studies course and needs ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please.

   I don't know how to do my own taxes, but I CAN name the brand of cereal just by hearing it being poured into a bowl in the other room

   traveling through a maze.. In other words he's amazing

   If at first you don't succeed..... consider the fact that you may $%&! Suck!

   When you r right no one remembers... But When you r wrong no one forgets..!

   You ever hear stories of people you have never seen before and you create an image of what they look like and when you finally see them you kind of get disappointed or weirded out that they don't look like what you imagined?

   Do you remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the window, you put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   ...is upset about all of these celebrity deaths. First, Rue McClanahan, then, Gary Coleman, and now, Jimmy Dean. I guess you could summarize it as the loss of "sex, drugs, and sausage rolls"....

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

   You know you're at the top of the naughty list when you get nothing under the tree, coal in your stocking and reindeer crap on your roof!

   3 girls I graduated with got engaged yesterday! I, on the other hand, was engaged in knitting in my snuggie while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" for about the hundredth time, and playing Robot Unicorn Attack. Thinking maybe I should get out more....

   How in the heck was Cinderella the only girl in the ENTIRE kingdom to wear that size shoe?

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   I hate it when an ugly girl catches me staring at her cleavage.

   If I were the judge at the Samsung & Apple trial I'd say "Let's be honest, both of you stole these ideas from Nokia" & we'd have a laugh.