Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you r right no one remembers... But When you r wrong no one forgets..!

   You ever hear stories of people you have never seen before and you create an image of what they look like and when you finally see them you kind of get disappointed or weirded out that they don't look like what you imagined?

   Do you remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the window, you put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   ...is upset about all of these celebrity deaths. First, Rue McClanahan, then, Gary Coleman, and now, Jimmy Dean. I guess you could summarize it as the loss of "sex, drugs, and sausage rolls"....

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   wants to buy skittles and randomly throw them at people yelling taste the rainbow.

   likes to send facebook status updates from my phone sometimes just to make it look like I left the house that day.

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   Loneliness taught me evrythng in this world, Except Hw 2 4get the person who made me alone ...

   is hoping for some Salem style mayhem before having to sit through another Harry Potter snorefest.....Gandalf still owes me 8 bucks for the last one.

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   Time to break out my mistletoe belt buckle!

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

   You know you're at the top of the naughty list when you get nothing under the tree, coal in your stocking and reindeer crap on your roof!

   3 girls I graduated with got engaged yesterday! I, on the other hand, was engaged in knitting in my snuggie while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" for about the hundredth time, and playing Robot Unicorn Attack. Thinking maybe I should get out more....

   How in the heck was Cinderella the only girl in the ENTIRE kingdom to wear that size shoe?

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   I hate it when an ugly girl catches me staring at her cleavage.