Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Autocorrect has to be my worst enema.

   I'm trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram so I'm not going to eat anymore.

   In Miami: We had a great winter season lastnight, can't wait 'til next year.

   My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard and they're like, that famine was hard.

   Shout out to my thrid grade teacher for teaching me cursive, my fith grade teacher for teaching me how to use the Index of an Encyclopedia and my seventh grade teacher for teaching me how to boot a computer into DOS. PS. Google says, "Hi!"

   What's worse than an animal living in your attic? Your ex-boyfriend!

   bad sex is better than a good day at work!

   I may not be the biggest or longest lasting, but I'm the most appreciative!!

   During tonight's debate i'm gonna stand at a podium in my living room and pretend i'm the candidate everyone ignores.

   there are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who love beer and idoits...

   What's the strongest Bird in the world? A Crane

   I think it's safe to assume that 1991 Ice Cube would kill 2012 Ice Cube

   Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.

   Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic

   Well I'm turning 33 in a few weeks and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth.

   I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

   you don't need to thank everyone on facebook for your birthday messages, they were not sincere.

   Investigate your friends before they investigate you, because some of them work with your enemy's..

   No lie speech to text is cool until you say "I'll be off work in fifteen" and it sends "I like to beat off jerks and teens" *RJ*