Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   found out that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission...

   Was trying to sign up for a website... It ask me what state I lived in... I couldn't find confusion nowhere in the drop box...

   rumor is that Tipper Gore is suing for half the Internet.

   it just a coincidence that batteries and bras come in the same sizes?

   Being out of 3G range is like traveling back to an older, friendlier America. Cornfields and songbirds. Churches and farm stands. Also, meth.

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   wonders when when when will I learn to post an independent congrats and not reply to an announcement so that I won't get fifty-seven updates while every other kind person offers their congratulations?

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   Salsa, Olives, Sour Cream Dip, Spread it on a layer of Tortilla Chips, You add some guacomole and some melted cheese, your mouth just made a touchdown right here on NBC!

   perfected the art of making Ramen Noodles in the microwave!

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation

   People who buy secondhand phones off amazon and eBay don’t realize they’re interacting with a lot of genitalia bacteria.

   This hood rat on Maury found out dude wasnt the Father, she ran so far backstage when I turned the Channel she was on 106 & Park!

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"

   Ya know... statisically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

   Call Of Duty will really have a guy thinking about joining the army. Then you realize how many times you died...

   Ham and Eggs:: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   The side effects of the new medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea,,, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   If my balls get any sweatier, they'll start wearing a poncho and speaking Spanish

   I married my wife for her looks........just not the ones she's been giving me lately!