Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gray hair is God's Graffiti.... Then the Big Guy's been scribbling all over my melon like a newbie gang initiate.

   SHOPPERS: Bored with writing lists for that weekly shop? Simply find discarded lists in trolleys/baskets, and use them! Its spiced up my life.....

   thinks the best part about his job is that her chair spins!

   Being out of 3G range is like traveling back to an older, friendlier America. Cornfields and songbirds. Churches and farm stands. Also, meth.

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   wonders when when when will I learn to post an independent congrats and not reply to an announcement so that I won't get fifty-seven updates while every other kind person offers their congratulations?

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   Salsa, Olives, Sour Cream Dip, Spread it on a layer of Tortilla Chips, You add some guacomole and some melted cheese, your mouth just made a touchdown right here on NBC!

   I went to the lundromat where there was a sign that read: "Remove clothes immediatley when the buzzer rings!" Needless to say my astonishment when A: I realize I'm the only one in the place naked and B:I was getting tossed out by management!

   just like the rent, too damn high.

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation

   People who buy secondhand phones off amazon and eBay don’t realize they’re interacting with a lot of genitalia bacteria.

   This hood rat on Maury found out dude wasnt the Father, she ran so far backstage when I turned the Channel she was on 106 & Park!

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"

   Ya know... statisically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

   Call Of Duty will really have a guy thinking about joining the army. Then you realize how many times you died...

   Ham and Eggs:: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   The side effects of the new medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea,,, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   If my balls get any sweatier, they'll start wearing a poncho and speaking Spanish

   I married my wife for her looks........just not the ones she's been giving me lately!