Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just like the rent, too damn high.

   The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

   Has not been hitting a lot of homeruns here lately but is swinging a big bat..

   Was trying to sign up for a website... It ask me what state I lived in... I couldn't find confusion nowhere in the drop box...

   rumor is that Tipper Gore is suing for half the Internet.

   it just a coincidence that batteries and bras come in the same sizes?

   perfected the art of making Ramen Noodles in the microwave!

   About that pumpkin.. line the cut edges with cooking oil to keep that jack-o'-lantern fresh for a longer time.

   The deaf can now also enjoy phone sex......... by texting

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   screaming obscenities at my computer because my essay is due tomorrow and it just crashed.  My name is X, and Windows 7 was my idea.

   Where would the world be without music?

   Bought a dog that gives up chasing a cat after about 10 seconds. So I'm calling it Quits.

   n't the problem with political jokes the fact that they keep getting re-elected? (

   I hope South Pole doesn't respond to increased North Pole activity with military exercises. Everybody settle down.

   I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation

   People who buy secondhand phones off amazon and eBay don’t realize they’re interacting with a lot of genitalia bacteria.

   This hood rat on Maury found out dude wasnt the Father, she ran so far backstage when I turned the Channel she was on 106 & Park!

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"