Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm still wondering exactly how long a cotton picking minute really is. Does anyone know ?

   1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   Officer: Why were you driving so fast? Me: Just trying to keep up with traffic. Officer: There's no one on the road. Me: That just shows how far behind I am.

   If it's called Labor Day,why don't we work on labor day and have the rest of the year off?

   What is it about your mother's basement that makes you so tough on the internet?

   Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady have put their LA Mega-Mansion up for sale. Sadly, in today's economy even the Brady-Bundchen can't keep their home.

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies,probably because generally they are the same people!

   I see you stopped taking your meds. Can I please have them?

   I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself

   I can only take selfies because I'm alonies

   I'm r @cist but not own a basketball team r @cist.

   I don't mean to brag but I own several shirts with Dragons on them.

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. It's the same when you are stupid.

   How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own.

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been today that's had "insufficient funds".

   US and Chinese warships play game of chicken, Kim Jong said " hey you two.... Uncle!

   Anybody else hate when youre mad at someone or upset at something they did, and instead of fixing the problem to make you feel better or acknowledge that they where wrong and simply say I'm sorry.. They turn it around get mad at you and make you to blame.

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.

   Not sure if my doctor is a righty or a lefty but I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have had both on my shoulders during that prostate exam.