Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand the whole gay women play softball thing. Please explain to me because it's a bunch of girls who like to hold wood & catch balls in spandex on their free time...

   My Craigslist hooker turned out to be a man. It has been over an hour and he won't take a hint to leave. He can keep my 200 bucks. This was a poor idea.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

   Dear iPhone, I'm pretty sure I meant to spell "b*tches" not "chubies"

   Dear Beer,I forgive You for abandoning me during tough times during the week, I love You for coming back on weekend and will French kiss You, till sobriety do us apart!

   - I can't believe we only managed a draw against a sh*t team we should easily have beaten........I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.....

   ATTENTION: The National Weather service in Texas has issued a HOLLY SH1T ITS FRICKING COLD ADVISORY. Be prepared, use the "budy system" when staying warm tonight!

   Bigger isn't always better. Thighs, for example.

   Fathers Day in the ghetto must be so damn confusing...

   Dont make fun of fat kids... they have enough on their plate.

   I'm making Uncle Ben's rice, Aunt Jemima's pancakes, and Cream Of Wheat for supper. There's a burning cross on my lawn.

   I am thoroughly convinced that some women don't fart. They just hold it in and it comes out as drama.

   A smart man never interrupts his wife.....when she is......... cooking cleaning and doing laundry!

   Me and my ex were together for like 9 years, and I will say this about her, even twords the end she still brought out the animal in me. Everytime she got into bed I would run to the door and start scratching and whining to be let out. :P

   they say the taste of love is sweet. That's bullsh!t everyone knows it's salty.

   I know Karate!.........and, like 2 other Japanese words.

   Do you work at Subway?... Cuz you just gave me a footlong!

   FACEBOOK IS A HELL OF A DRUG!!!

   My ex calls me up and says "My panties are wet" and I said "I'll be right over" and she said "Bring your tools, the washer's broke again"..........and then I hung up on her..

   Whoa, this weather is bringing out everything.. Theirs some old people out driving right now and don't even know it..