Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WARNING FOR ATTRACTIVE MEN: Aliens have come to Earth and are planning to abduct the smart and good-looking. But don't worry, I've alien-proofed my bedroom. You can be safe there...

   Sure, sure, Egypt . . you started a revolution with a facebook page. But have you stopped child abuse by changing your profile pic to a cartoon character for a week? Yeah, didn't think so. Go America!

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   just rescued some wine.. it was trapped in a bottle. I saved the day!

   The game should really be called Angry Terds, because the only time I ever seem to play it is on the toilet.

   I eat alot of king sized candy bars. Not because I like alot of candy, but because I'm of a royalty.

   thinks people should stop dreaming about Happily Ever After and be Happy Just Now. Forever ~ ✿ ♬ ☮

   I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people;17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

   I finally found something Sarah Palin and I have in common. We've both failed Trig.

   Lets go Ducks! (Even if Auburn wins, in 2-3 years they will have title stripped anyway.)

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

   wants to thank BP for the oil spill in the Gulf.I heard Fish Oil capsules will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   TEA BAG: When you wake up to feel something that's warm, soft and fuzzy on your face and you realize that it isn't a puppy.

   ̿' ̿'\̵͇̿̿\з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿

   (status update from the future) RIP everyone.

   I think I suffer from CDO ... Its like OCD, but in alphabetical order, LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!!

   A penny for my thoughts? Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar. There worth so much more after I'm a goner and maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin, funny when your dead how people start listenen

   Wives,,, If your man says he will fix it,,, he will... There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

   Obama compared Obamacare to the iPhone. Except you don't get fined for not buying an iPhone.

   I have learned two things this week; never critique a BJ while getting a BJ and teeth are really, really sharp.