Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I eat alot of king sized candy bars. Not because I like alot of candy, but because I'm of a royalty.

   thinks people should stop dreaming about Happily Ever After and be Happy Just Now. Forever ~ ✿ ♬ ☮

   I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people;17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

   TEA BAG: When you wake up to feel something that's warm, soft and fuzzy on your face and you realize that it isn't a puppy.

   A penny for my thoughts? Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar. There worth so much more after I'm a goner and maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin, funny when your dead how people start listenen

   wants to thank BP for the oil spill in the Gulf.I heard Fish Oil capsules will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   I finally found something Sarah Palin and I have in common. We've both failed Trig.

   Lets go Ducks! (Even if Auburn wins, in 2-3 years they will have title stripped anyway.)

   ̿' ̿'\̵͇̿̿\з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿

   (status update from the future) RIP everyone.

   I think I suffer from CDO ... Its like OCD, but in alphabetical order, LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!!

   Wives,,, If your man says he will fix it,,, he will... There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

   Obama compared Obamacare to the iPhone. Except you don't get fined for not buying an iPhone.

   I have learned two things this week; never critique a BJ while getting a BJ and teeth are really, really sharp.

   the coolest thing since string cheese

   there have been about 514 leap years since Ceaser created it in 45BC. Without the extra day every 4 years today would be July 28th, 2013. Also, the Mayan calendar did not account for leap year....so technically the world should have ended 7 months ago.

   And here's another question I would love all you pro abortion people to answer, if a fetus is not a human life as you contend, how the hell does planned parenthood harvest and sell human organs from one?

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a water fight...I'm just updating my status whilst I wait for the kettle to boil

   Whoever made the ''One loyal Girlfriend is worth more than one hundred hoes'' post has never been with a prostitute...

   CANADA - Crying About Never Actually Defeating Americans