Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow! The kids from Glee are all singing about accepting themselves for who they are, the autotuned cranked up to 10. Think about that. Take as much time as you need....

   I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?

   What Marshal isn't stealing from Dane Cook, he is stealing elsewhere.

   Actually he is stealing almost all of it from msib

   Guys.. never raise your hand to a woman... it leaves your groin exposed

   Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self-loathing, and a strong desire for isolation.

   You know in China, they just call it Food.

   "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." So? You can catch even more with manure. What's your point?

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank:"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   I once knew a group of friends, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe but they're not there for me anymore.

   I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.

   that outstanding moment when he/she realizes you're right and won't respond to your text.

   I'm so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn't apply to hymens.

   This is the real me. Full of problems. Full of love. Full of lost. Full of hurt. Full of life. Full of hope. Full of happiness. Most of all.....Full of friends.

   People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.

   Its so hot squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts

   No, mom. Being on twitter, facebook and youtube all at the same time is NOT called "doing nothing". It's called multitasking

   yes winter is here .....let the relationships begin!!!

   I failed my drivers test, they asked what should I do when I see a red light & I said, check my BBM

   "Won't you put your package in my male slot?" - Is how I hit on my mailman.