Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale from 1-10, how much do you like the number 7?

   I think "Magic Mike" will lead to many a man getting laid because of their woman coming home from the theatre horny. Thanks Magic Mike

   This is a very important announcement: On July 18th, 2012 at approximately 12 noon, Facebook will observe an hour of silence in recognition of my AWESOMENESS!

   I love how my laptopshasta a warning that says You should change your battery or switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work. Lol "work". I wish I got paid to watch porn..

   I sure hope the royal divorce is as hyped as the royal wedding.

   This alcohol diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   I need a stunt double because I am so damn tired of jumping through hoops!

   The mannequin challenge was invented when a democrat was offered a job...

   In fairness to Trump, he thinks "vindicated" is a euphemism for getting peed on by a hooker.

   I'm so glad we don't have a Democrat president or else everyone would be crying.....wait everyone is!

   Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.

   If you want to repeal something, please for the love of God don't replace it with nothing!

   I know his chest pain was not cause by his heart, because he doesn't have one

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake and a hug as a greeting instead of the whole a$$ sniffing thing.

   MASA - Make America Smart Again

   I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

   Happy MILK day...!

   Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.

   It's fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can't tell.

   Just like a bunch of brown NBA players to blame the cops when a brutha breaks the law...