Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   glad the Princess's name isn't Kimberly Lindsey Hilton

   Signed my kid up for Karate lessons 3 months ago and he still hasn't waxed my car once.

   Tossing back a drink for all of the presidents who died...so that we could have a day off work. Salute!

   Our relationship is so special we will not cheapen or desecrate it by putting it all over Facebook.

   Too bad Waldo wasn't on that missing Malaysian airliner, someone would have found it by now......

   Last week I applied for a job with the state and had to take an IQ test before I left. In today's mail from them was a rejection letter, a get well card and a $20 bill.

   Women just complain I mean gripe I mean argue I ........I mean women are smart honey

   Find someone you're good at.

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But keep your bacon far away from me or I will eat it. This is your last warning.

   I don't like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don't need that kind of pressure.

   20 selfies of your meltdown or it didn't happen.

   I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   If you think that age is just a number, then prison is just a house .

   Crap, my Giga Pet just died.

   Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*

   Relationship status: I don't need love. I need money right now.