Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Yes. It's true, I train children to become soilders. But what uganda do about it?" - Kony. Probably.

   If your girlfriend sees you blow drying pen*s and asks “what are you doing???” Never!!! Never ever tell her - "heating your dinner honey!!!"

   respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable

   To the dumb ass that keeps posting stacti from over 3 years ago, Buick does still make cars, and SUVs. What planet are you from? Here's another slap in the face, Tiger won a tourney a few weeks ago.

   It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   My Cousin in Jail just asked me to update his Facebook Relationship Status to "Its Complicated!" ...Man just say you Gay!

   A Priest a Rabbi and a Penn State Football Coach walk into a bar....

   Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk.

   It's "NEIGHBOR'S BEST FRIEND'S SISTER-IN-LAW'S COUSIN'S STEP BROTHER WEEK" if you have a neighbor whose best friend's sister-in-law has a cousin with a step-brother who is the bomb, copy & paste this as your status or don't.

   going to heckle Tiger Woods at The Masters by throwing a box of condoms at him

   I am now an official card carrying member P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tastey Animals.

   There is nothing worse than the feeling of a cushioned toilet seat!

   ...Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

   There's a guy sitting next to me on the plane that looks like Jesus Christ. Just handed him a bottle of water and said, "Merlot, please."

   Song # 1 in Lebron's Ipod is.....I'm In MIAMI B**CH!

   "You should just smile & blow me cause I deserve it!" - Mel Gibson

   This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

   Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!

   Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school — you'll be working for them in the future.

   All the M&M's in this bag are dead...