Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   all for 7 day weekends

   I beg your pardon. I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot.

   To this random person talking to me here in line at wal mart while I'm typing on my phone.. itd funny how you think I'm listening!

   knows that my man really love me by asking him if he does while he's sleep talkin'. It works.

   You never know who your real friends are until you are in need and then you'll be surprised who shows up.

   I am so glad they make smart phones for dumb folks like me! Make me realize how slow I really am. 50,000 apps to choose from and I have trouble figure out what to make for frigging dinner.

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   Cheer leaders will live forever, Zombies only eat brains.

   “I knew you'd be back.” -The Drawing Board

   life is really not that hard; consider the daffodil....While you are doing that, I will steal your wallet.

   I ain't much of a looker. Which is why I often get run over when I cross the road.

   Dreamt I was 400lbs, while being fanned with palm fronds last night.. Now headed to Golden Corral with a powerball ticket to make it reality.

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   USD ABOVE 60... CRUDE ABOVE 6000.... STILL NIFTY ABOVE 6000....

   Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things

   Sounds like "PimpJuice" needs to take a refresher course in Pimpology 101

   I know I'm OCD but I worry that I am not OCD enough.

   The only thing worse than being single is hearing a person who has rejected you complain about being single.

   A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes that they are.

   I think this marriage can still work if we just stop interacting.