Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so glad they make smart phones for dumb folks like me! Make me realize how slow I really am. 50,000 apps to choose from and I have trouble figure out what to make for frigging dinner.

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   Cheer leaders will live forever, Zombies only eat brains.

   “I knew you'd be back.” -The Drawing Board

   life is really not that hard; consider the daffodil....While you are doing that, I will steal your wallet.

   I ain't much of a looker. Which is why I often get run over when I cross the road.

   Dreamt I was 400lbs, while being fanned with palm fronds last night.. Now headed to Golden Corral with a powerball ticket to make it reality.

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   USD ABOVE 60... CRUDE ABOVE 6000.... STILL NIFTY ABOVE 6000....

   Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things

   Sounds like "PimpJuice" needs to take a refresher course in Pimpology 101

   I know I'm OCD but I worry that I am not OCD enough.

   The only thing worse than being single is hearing a person who has rejected you complain about being single.

   A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes that they are.

   I think this marriage can still work if we just stop interacting.

   It's not a real marriage if you crossed your fingers during the ceremony. RIGHT??

   Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Really good friends help you move bodies no questions asked.

   In my case significant other refers to my liver.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman several shots of tequila and you're in for the night of your life.

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.