Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Yo family says they're proud of you for graduating from everest that means they didn't think you would live that long

   I want to break down your wall so I can build another one around us.

   Love songs are liars.

   Dude, you're going bald. That ballcap and shoulder length hair don't hide the fact.

   I love going to the gym. They have free internet!

   I ain't much of a looker. Which is why I often get run over when I cross the road.

   Dreamt I was 400lbs, while being fanned with palm fronds last night.. Now headed to Golden Corral with a powerball ticket to make it reality.

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   USD ABOVE 60... CRUDE ABOVE 6000.... STILL NIFTY ABOVE 6000....

   Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things

   Sounds like "PimpJuice" needs to take a refresher course in Pimpology 101

   I know I'm OCD but I worry that I am not OCD enough.

   The only thing worse than being single is hearing a person who has rejected you complain about being single.

   A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes that they are.

   I think this marriage can still work if we just stop interacting.

   It's not a real marriage if you crossed your fingers during the ceremony. RIGHT??

   Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Really good friends help you move bodies no questions asked.

   In my case significant other refers to my liver.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman several shots of tequila and you're in for the night of your life.

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.