Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You like to sleep? Me too, lets do it together sometime.

   You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.

   She got a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did

   Sorry I wasn't paying attention, I was thinking about having sex with you.

   a train station is where trains stop. A bus stations is where buses stop. Yes you could call this my workstation...

   When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.

   Don't confuse fame with success. Kim Kardashian is one; Mother Teresa is the other.

   Never let on to your kids that the shower dramatically changes temperature when the toilet is flushes. Otherwise, you've just given them a new favorite pastime.

   Some of the chicks on my play list aren't even musicians.

   A slug is just a snail with a housing problem.

   Liking and commenting on the same status, gives me a false sence of notification.

   I hear people talking about their lactose intolerance all the time. I guess I could live with that but if I ever developed tequila intolerance life would no longer be worth living.

   Thanks lady in line at the fast food counter ordering your sandwich with 10 special requests for reminding how awesome being a dude is…

   Some people are never happy. They pray for rain then gripe about the humidiity...

   I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.

   "Magic Mike"? They should call it what it really is. "Magic Johnson".

   i am free of all prejudices... I hate everyone equally :)

   Today is one of those days you want to crank the AC down to 68 and watch Braveheart.

   Ladies; If you can't cheer him up with a bl0w job, theres nothing thats gonna cheer him up