Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter....

   Felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Looked over and saw my phone on the table. Afraid to check my back pocket.

   I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she has emphysema and is missing four fingers. Maybe she's a coal miner.

   Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM?!?! Luckily, I was up playing my drums.

   Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don't know how to play chess.

   The problem is that we now have dangerous animals wearing human clothing living amongst us.

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO.... He couldn't produce on the scale required to make a profit at current market prices and got foreclosed, EIEIO...

   After all these years, I finally figured out the reason why The Professor never got the castaways off Gilligan's Island, while we all know that he very well could have. He was doing both Ginger AND Maryann.

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   Does anyone know where you sign up to get a tee time at the Masters or is this some kind of invite only bulls***?

   whats with these punks with their brightly coloured hair doing down the pub , I thought I stumbled into fraggle rock

   Can anyone find me a link to some coverage of the Royal Wedding? I wonder what's happening... [/sarcasm]

   Well,today was a total waste of your makeup

   Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting.

   wonderbra was designed by Harry Houdini

   I won't get angry at you today... I just learned it's "Be kind to Animals Week"!

   getting a little fed up with politics. I'm thinking about joining that Long Island Iced Tea Party movement.

   67.By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.