Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At some point, a guy looked at a berry that was clearly purple and called it a blueberry. AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..

   I just had a bite of Wookie candy... It tasted pretty good but it was kinda Chewy. I soooo stole that joke from 1983.

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.

   Wedding anniversaries are meant to celebrate the number of years a couple has been married, not how long they've been happy

   The most pathetic thing I read in the news today is that: The Jonas Brothers Break Up. That's F - N funny, Umm they're brothers. . .

   My haiku for the day: Please this is tourture, evaluate your bitstrip, you don't look like that.

   Just heard on the News that they have cut the food stamp program. So, this is our government saying to the less fortunate of our country, wait for it... "Happy Thanksgiving"!

   I thought gang bangs were a group of people with the same haircut.

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey.. Just sayin

   My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.

   You think this day and age it would be polite to just walk up and ask a woman, excuse me want to share a condom. . .

   my dinner taste like lazyness and the day before payday!

   I thought fifty shades of grey was a book about the color on us old people hair

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   If it weren't for double-standards politicians would have no standards at all.

   Most my coworkers just don't know how stupid they are.... so I let them know

   The best time and place to hide a body is in your front yard during Halloween. That way, people will think it's just a decoration.

   if I was a bears fan tonight is as good as any to quit that bad habit.