Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wedding anniversaries are meant to celebrate the number of years a couple has been married, not how long they've been happy

   The most pathetic thing I read in the news today is that: The Jonas Brothers Break Up. That's F - N funny, Umm they're brothers. . .

   My haiku for the day: Please this is tourture, evaluate your bitstrip, you don't look like that.

   Just heard on the News that they have cut the food stamp program. So, this is our government saying to the less fortunate of our country, wait for it... "Happy Thanksgiving"!

   I thought gang bangs were a group of people with the same haircut.

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey.. Just sayin

   My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.

   You think this day and age it would be polite to just walk up and ask a woman, excuse me want to share a condom. . .

   my dinner taste like lazyness and the day before payday!

   I thought fifty shades of grey was a book about the color on us old people hair

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   If it weren't for double-standards politicians would have no standards at all.

   Most my coworkers just don't know how stupid they are.... so I let them know

   The best time and place to hide a body is in your front yard during Halloween. That way, people will think it's just a decoration.

   if I was a bears fan tonight is as good as any to quit that bad habit.

   Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old and I’m still single. I’ll never hear the end of it from my mother at thanks giving.

   Olympics to Allow Pre-Op M-to-F Transsexuals to Compete..... So there will now be drag races in the Olympics?

   I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.

   DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°

   ... Finally made it to that great part of the relationship where I can now fart and drink beer on the couch and she only gives me a dirty look ..... instead of running out of the room screeming! Life is good :-)