Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.

   Did ya ever want to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they were talking?

   HEADLINE: Justin Bieber wins big, trashes rumours at EMAs. You go girrrrrrrrrrrrrl....

   My wife dropped her purse and now my balls hurt.

   I enjoy long hugs and slow kisses.

   its goin to be drizzy outside.......so expect a lil wayne

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   Mark Zukerberg should have changed his status instead of Married..to "Its Complicated" - looking at his failing IPO

   Nemo is such a badass. He was the first one of his friends to touch a butt

   To my beautiful friends in Denver. You have London by your side today. Go Broncos!

   If you ‪#‎FeeltheBern‬ you may want to see a doctor. You probably have a UTI or STD.

   No thanks women who lift weights, only one of us must look like a man in this relationship

   LBJ. 36th President or Mexican porn star??

   Funny, I have not heard Tracy Morgan say "cracker" in a few days.

   My Hamster passed today,,,, Yeah, he fell asleep at the wheel.... :(

   There is a guy here at work who calls me "Chief." There's another a guy here who calls me "Partner." They must think I'm a double-agent in some secret Cowboys and Indians war.

   BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I'm stuck in a tree.

   [live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question

   Just paid $3 to beat level 79! FML #candycrushproblems

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"