Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do not need to be reminded it's the 5th of May in a different language. . .

   Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.

   Thanks to George Zimmerman The great seal of Florida is now burned into my Plasma.

   Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"

   I'm not saying it was right, but I bet all those guys Whitey killed were dirtbags too...

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Watching a cruise ship soaked with sewage tug its vomiting passengers to an Alabama shore, and thinking of you. Happy Valentine's Day.

   I'm completely indifferent when you call me big poppa

   I am sure besides liking your own p 0sts, you also enjoy licking your own balls.

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   You had me at: I have an office door that locks and a desk that's perfectly waist height.

   Just saw this chick texting and driving, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her. I'm keeping the streets safe one beer at a time.

   I finally understand it, airplane windows should open so you can let the stench out.

   I love it when a beautiful woman is also intelligent. Makes spanking her ass bright red that much more rewarding for both of us.

   Old Yeller's a book? All this time I thought it was my brother tooth...

   Typical Hillary/Obama supporters in san bernardino today. They all are very fragile these days.

   The people of Puerto Rico have unfortunately discovered just how much power mother nature has. Yet, there will be those arrogant humans who'll continue to think that we're solely responsible for climate change.

   Keep a prayer on your lips and a pistol on your hips. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

   This isn't over. The GOP will unveil its Putincare plan, just as soon as the Trump Administration gets the green light from the Kremlin.

   Want to help mexicans? Forget protesting the wall. Get your family on heroin.