Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the most common dying wish is to live longer

   Bitstrips just won't go away...

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you want to start a movie this late?" years old.

   naked and afraid is much funnier when you make a fart noise each time you see a naked butt

   I do not need to be reminded it's the 5th of May in a different language. . .

   Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.

   Thanks to George Zimmerman The great seal of Florida is now burned into my Plasma.

   Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"

   I'm not saying it was right, but I bet all those guys Whitey killed were dirtbags too...

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Watching a cruise ship soaked with sewage tug its vomiting passengers to an Alabama shore, and thinking of you. Happy Valentine's Day.

   I'm completely indifferent when you call me big poppa

   I am sure besides liking your own p 0sts, you also enjoy licking your own balls.

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   You had me at: I have an office door that locks and a desk that's perfectly waist height.

   Just saw this chick texting and driving, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her. I'm keeping the streets safe one beer at a time.

   I finally understand it, airplane windows should open so you can let the stench out.

   I love it when a beautiful woman is also intelligent. Makes spanking her ass bright red that much more rewarding for both of us.

   Old Yeller's a book? All this time I thought it was my brother tooth...

   Typical Hillary/Obama supporters in san bernardino today. They all are very fragile these days.