Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I slipped and fell on ice today. I realized it was black ice when I got up and my wallet and keys were missing.

   quotes, "The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change." ~ Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy)

   Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.

   Don't you just hate how you finally get Christmas all put away and it's already time to put up the Martin Luther King decorations??...?

   Let's say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you'd take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

   pissed...I started off with a manic Monday, but decided to have a funday instead...but then someone stole the 'n' outta my funday and it's just been a f.u.day!

   People with high I.Q.'s should get to vote twice.

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again

   A friend of mine wants to set me up with her cute friend, but her friend is picky cos she has a kid, so I told her my name was "Jif" because we all know choosey moms choose Jif...

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   fact: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   Why do I have a feeling that the people who correct the spelling and punctuation on Facebook posts are the same ones who got bullied a lot in school?

   It's "DRIVING" six white horses, dumbass.

   Watching Donald Trump's interview is like watching someone have a conversation with a sock puppet.

   Kilometers are shorter than miles. So I'll be taking my next trip in kilometers to try and save some gas.

   The magic of Facebook - you can poke each other all day long and no one has to lay in the wet spot :-P

   I care about who wins tonight's GOP Debate about as much as I care about who wins one of those fake wrestling smackdowns. Actually put all the GOP contenders in a cagematch where they can smack each other with folding chairs and I might actually watch it.

   I missed a payment on my cable bill....purposely, so I don't have to watch that royal wedding crap!

   How did I get out of Iraq? Iran. (-;

   How can you compare the protestors to slaves?!? slaves were born into a hopeless life, but with hard work and accepting the fact that its not somebody elses job to provide for you. You can become anything!