Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These teens moms, calling themselves a mother because they gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

   I just found a whisker in my general tso chicken

   i'll join the revolution after I see what the cops do to the 1st 10,000

   I'm surprised people don't use photoshop to also clean the house in the background of all these fake photos they upload

   People who get out of bed the first time the alarm rings. What's it like to be a demon?

   It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.

   If it takes more than a restraining order to keep you away, lets get married because devotion like that is rare.

   Happiness; you have to chase it around, but misery that b itch waits for us around every corner.

   I love a woman in a suit! Her birthday suit that is.

   Most women want to tell the truth about their age, but they just can't believe it themselves.

   Always make sure you let her know how you feel.. Well, at least what you think she would want you to be feeling.

   wonders if dogs do it human style

   When I burn something in the oven, I just get my guitar out and pretend it's a smoke machine

   Now that Lance has come clean, maybe he's qualified to be elected to the House or Senate..

   I am not making the same mistake twice, I learned my lesson last year when I awkwardly walked around out of place at the Tattoo Expo, realizing I was the only one dressed as the Tattoo the midget from Fantasy Island, mumbling "De plane, de plane!!"

   What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.

   ‎1st half take...my grandma could've defended better than the 49ers!

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   Oscar Pistorius will plead not guilty, but I don't think he has a leg to stand on.