Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   The average toddler laughs over 200 times a day. The average adult laughs about 17. At age 42 peekaboo and I got your nose is just not as funny anymore.

   - You know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA.

   I'm so unreliable that I'm thinking about dressing up as a calculator for Halloween just so my friends can finally count on me.

   Hey guy's, I just found out that The Rapture might be delayed. Apparently God is waiting on his crops to be ready on Farmville first..........

   Dear Jack Kevorkian... You will be greatly missed by all the youth in Asia.

   Watching "The Voice" and can't help but think that Cee Lo looks like Carl Winslow.

    Egyptian Pres. Mubarak finaly steps down. I think he was in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't move far far away..

   how can I be so thirsty when I drank so much last night...????

   The reason why I don't speak to you anymore is because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

   I'm like a cold-cut of amazing sandwiched between two pieces of awesome! Charlie Sheen....I think I wanna marry that crazy Ba*tard, if nothing else having a conversation with him would be AWESOME!

   Did you know you can sun burn your nipples? Me neither! Ouch.

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   Well, Just crossed something else off my bucket list. I didn't do it I just got to damn old to do it.

   Wondering if Americans are going to allow themselves to be fooled by their own intelligence agencies into really believing that their nation is at risk from hackers, allowing their government to completely reformat the Internet the way they see fit

   something about a "BOEhner reBUTTal" just doesn't sound right.

   There's no such a thing as a happy single woman. We're all just wives-in-training or crazy cat ladies.

   I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny. I then saved it as 'Whats Up.doc'

   Rich people who own fancy Bidet/Toilet combos to cleanse themselves after bowel movements tend to look down on regular people. To them we're all just a bunch of a$$wipes.

   You're as useless as the “ay” in “okay”!!