Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm naming my TV remote Joe for obvious reasons.

   ... Trump has been watching the Olympics to see how high the Mexican Pole Vaulters can go.

   Yup ...... The best part of Wednesdays Presidential Debate was watching Hillary Clinton constantly looking down to read her illegal teleprompter built into her lectern.

   Got my test results back today... Negative - phew!! What is IQ anyway?- Bernie Sanders

   People who say "money can't buy happiness" have apparently never used money....to buy a bag of weed : )

   Hey, Journey? Quick question: What if I never even started believin'?

   A wise man once told me, women are good for 70 things. Making sandwiches and 69.

   I believe man first started walking upright to free up his hands for masturbation.

   Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you." Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!" Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

   Putting down others to make you feel better about yourself is just stupid, you piece of $hit excuse of a human.

   In Japan, the title "Jersey Shore" translates into "Macaroni Rascals"

   I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes CLOSED !

   whenever I start to feel adventurous and spontaneous, my bank account tells me to calm the hell down

   1.5% of my Chapstick is lost because I shave a little off every time I put the cap back on.

   Just sprayed the new Febreeze "Carnival Cruise" air fragrance throughout the home. Now the whole place smells like sh*t..

   It's okay that I touch my cousin's fake breasts because they aren't really hers, right guys?

   jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?

   “Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.”

   Scientists have developed a new drug for henpecked men. It's called Growacet…