Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who say "money can't buy happiness" have apparently never used money....to buy a bag of weed : )

   Hey, Journey? Quick question: What if I never even started believin'?

   A wise man once told me, women are good for 70 things. Making sandwiches and 69.

   I believe man first started walking upright to free up his hands for masturbation.

   Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you." Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!" Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

   Putting down others to make you feel better about yourself is just stupid, you piece of $hit excuse of a human.

   In Japan, the title "Jersey Shore" translates into "Macaroni Rascals"

   I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes CLOSED !

   whenever I start to feel adventurous and spontaneous, my bank account tells me to calm the hell down

   1.5% of my Chapstick is lost because I shave a little off every time I put the cap back on.

   Just sprayed the new Febreeze "Carnival Cruise" air fragrance throughout the home. Now the whole place smells like sh*t..

   It's okay that I touch my cousin's fake breasts because they aren't really hers, right guys?

   jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?

   “Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.”

   Scientists have developed a new drug for henpecked men. It's called Growacet…

   If by squirter you mean I pee when I laugh sometimes, then yeah I'm a squirter.

   I hate all those girls who think acting stupid is cute. Grow up.

   What I would do for two Saturdays...

   We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.