Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

   A bird crapped in my hair earlier today,,, in case you were wondering why the birdhouse in my back yard has so many bullet holes in it.

   Click your heels together three times and go fack yourself

   gave my wife a Klondike bar...still waiting to see what she's going to do

   Why did Facebook go public? Couldn't they figure out the privacy settings either?

   laughing cow cheese...i wonder what grass those cows eat to laugh so much

   Anyone that says "time is money" has never tried pay for a beer with 15 minutes.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.

   Petrol prices are about $2 a litre and Ladies still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"...

   your a midget and you do not wear a green outfit and a matching top hat......your just no fun

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life

   Being a ugly woman is like being a man- you're going to have to work.

   I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of EXTRA cheese.

   men who fish in another man's pond, catch crabs!

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   Does anyone have a llama guy? I need a llama. I'll explain later

   I'm naming my TV remote Joe for obvious reasons.

   ... Trump has been watching the Olympics to see how high the Mexican Pole Vaulters can go.

   Yup ...... The best part of Wednesdays Presidential Debate was watching Hillary Clinton constantly looking down to read her illegal teleprompter built into her lectern.

   Got my test results back today... Negative - phew!! What is IQ anyway?- Bernie Sanders