Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need somewhere else to hang my clothes.

   Omg!! I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   The moon is so red tonight......oh wait my eyes are just blood shot....

   People shouldn't be judged by who they date, what skin color they are, and etc..If they are happy together, then let them live their lives..

   what is the differance between a black guy and a large pizza?? a large pizza can feed a family!

   The difference between people with tattoos and those without is, people with tattoos don't judge those without...

   "Betty Crocker rocks out with her crock out." That one's a freebie, General Mills. Hit me up.

   To the woman who long ago decided she'd just put a pen*s in her mouth for the fun of it, your application for sainthood has been filed.

   What bothers me most about liberal women, is that none of them are hot enough to be this stupid.

   thinks there should be a Shart Week!

   ..just watched a DVD that was 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated movie.

   went to a doctor and got tested positive.. for being the shiittt!

   I still can't believe I got her to do that on a first date! ;0)

   to all of my FB friends: I love you all and you are fabulous! Except for you #78; you are just an ass. You know who you are so don't even try to fake the funk...

   Being in a relationship is not about kissing, dates or showing off. It's about being with the person who makes you happy.

   Being a modest guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the p0rn channel in my room is disabled." She goes, "Nooooo, it's regular people-p0rn, you sick ba$tard.”

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a 100,000 trip for my birthday.