Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I go to Subway and a guy makes my sandwhich, it just doesnt taste the same...

   Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

   I gave up organized religion for lent a long time ago...

   My wife told me to whisper dirty things to her, so I said "The Kitchen, Living room, Bedroom....

   Most of the lies I tell aren't even true!

   Sometimes you have to dream in the middle of a nightmare.

   Today marks the two year anniversary of the end of the world... and I am still waiting. . .

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."

   I tried to send my family tree information to Ancestry .com. They sent me back a pack of seeds and told me to start over.

   The grapes of wrath is a fun way to describe a pissed off woman who's drunk on wine

   Young Punks,,, In my day, all we had was "Dial-A-Joke",,, and we were grateful!

   Dear Roger Goodell,, Please remember the counsel you surround yourself with should be assets not asshats....

   *brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides

   My neighbours kids pretend restaurant sucks,, The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   Well No money November is going well this year

   A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone... 💍💍💍😂😂😂

   When I was a kid, We were so poor the floor wasn't even lava,,, it was just kinda warm

   The older you get, the more you appreciate being at home masterbating on a Tuesday night.

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   PS3 user B.Obama_69 has been playing GTA online constantly since the government went into shutdown. Coincidence? I think not