Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you squint your eyes real hard this post looks likes it's in Spanish........ (ok, stop before someone see's you)

   The best way to get women is by trying to get rid of them.

   could really use a time machine to send me to the time before I started eating this whole pizza

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.

   I try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.

   If Adele, The Weeknd, Drake, and Frank Ocean made an album together. Everyone would be in their deepest feelings.

   The people in my office believe less is more. The less the women wear, the more of their work the guys will do for them.

   When I see "sent from my iphone" I read it as "i'm on the toilet"

   I'm at the point in my life where I can do what I want, when I want to do it and without answering to anyone. I call that point divorce.

   I follow people who imitate real celebrities on Twitter because my self esteem isn't quite low enough yet.

   Ironically,,, I HATE it, when people say "like us" on Facebook.

   I see all these dark smoke signals coming from my neighbor's house & all I can think is, "How long can it take for him to elect a new Pope?"

   Broke chicks always know exactly what kind of Men they want BUT never know what kind of Man DON'T want their destitute a$$!

   Currently trying to convince my drunken neighbor alligators are usually a poor choice for a petting zoo. Should be an interesting birthday party.

   If you start off a status update with "Note to self" its obviously not.

   Your car & phone may be smart, doesn't mean you are.

   Whipped cream in a pie tin is not a pie. Stop wasting our time, clowns.

   Now only if my real life friends could learn to be as cool and funny as my Facebook friends, then I wouldn't have a reason to be on Facebook.

   "You're such a f***-up, your DNA is made up of X's and 'why me's."

   Experience is cruel ! It gives the test before the lesson !