Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this girl I went out with must be really strong. She said once she got drunk in college and pulled a train...

   Some ideas are infectious, so make sure you’ve had your self-esteem vaccine before listening to some douchebag that’s judging you.

   People mistake my shyness for unapproachability, and I'm totally okay with that.

   never bet on a horse named (TRIPOD)

   There is a thin line between marriage and catastrophe.

   "I love you! See ya in about an hour!" - Me talking to my beer.

   Somehow ended up falling asleep reading about plant sexuality last night. Gotta watch out for those polygamodioecious ones. Freaks.

   Are you tired of being fat and ugly?..just stay ugly and join the gym !!

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbers over the globe thing, until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request

   At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?

   That earthquake lasted longer than Kim Kardashian's relationship.

   It must be awkward when a plumber's crack gets blocked.

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Her vibrat0r is a very close second.

   playing a game of pool with Prince Harry and some photographer from a tabloid newspaper. wish me luck

   Be the sun that burns everyday and still rises everyday to give light to others.

   Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   Deep Inside We All Know Money Is Everything..

   A woman's broken heart can be glued together with molten chocolate.

   It's called the pursuit of happiness because you spend your life chasing it before you realize it's the roadrunner and you're the coyote.

   I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.