Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesn't kill you was only practicing.

   Gangnam style should hit 1billion YouTube hits by 21st December. .. well played Mayans

   I wish I had the remote for the tornado sirens that could make friday a little more interesting around here

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.

   not sure if I miss my girlfriend, or just really horny.

   Do these binoculars make my hot neighbor look fat?

   I'm having a love/hate relationship with my antihistamines.

   this girl I went out with must be really strong. She said once she got drunk in college and pulled a train...

   Some ideas are infectious, so make sure you’ve had your self-esteem vaccine before listening to some douchebag that’s judging you.

   People mistake my shyness for unapproachability, and I'm totally okay with that.

   never bet on a horse named (TRIPOD)

   There is a thin line between marriage and catastrophe.

   "I love you! See ya in about an hour!" - Me talking to my beer.

   Somehow ended up falling asleep reading about plant sexuality last night. Gotta watch out for those polygamodioecious ones. Freaks.

   Are you tired of being fat and ugly?..just stay ugly and join the gym !!

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbers over the globe thing, until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request

   At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?

   That earthquake lasted longer than Kim Kardashian's relationship.

   It must be awkward when a plumber's crack gets blocked.

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Her vibrat0r is a very close second.