Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!

   Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.

   I want to start a Go Fund Me account to sponsor any Coronavirus infectious people to pay them to go hug a politician

   BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away. MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

   America is so desperate for sports, we'd even settle for soccer.

   Alcohol can cause Depression..Particularly, when you run out of it

   Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

   I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

   After such a high demand for COVID-19 face masks, I have recently started making them. Does anyone know how much chloroform I need to use?

   first day of Trump Preisdency and already racism is spreading. Everyone is talking about how unreliable the Poles are.

   when hitler rose to power, there were no memes to stop him.

   Angela Merkel isn't convinced about the reputations of Trump and Weinstein..she says she's never been touched up by either of them!

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it a "Beanbag Chair" and not a "Sack of Sit"?

   When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen drink & a pregnant girl have in common? In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time

   I'm going to name my next dog Nama . So I can say NamaStay !

   I dont win marathons because I'm lucky, I win them because I'm driven

   Uncircumcised? Hey, at least you have one hoodie she can't steal.

   Did you know the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every English dictionary?

   accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster