Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when hitler rose to power, there were no memes to stop him.

   Brady has decided to remail in Florida after retirement because of the low inflation there.

   New US census report says nearly 1/3 of all millennials live with their parents. How many moulinyans live with their baby daddy?

   Came home from work so tired that I decided to just lie down and relax. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was my butt just catching up.

   What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   CNN just published a study that states if you skip breakfast, eat a light lunch and a big dinner, you won't lose weight. In a related study, fire is hot...

   I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.

   Almost that time if tear to whip out the Ol' cellular device and record a bunch of fireworks I'll never watch again.

   Now that Barry Manilow has announced his gender preference, his songs take on a whole new meaning.

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   I got kicked out of the boy scouts for eating a browine

   Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!

   I want a chiropracter to crack my body like a like a glow stick during a hurricane

   Someone on my fb just posted they had just backed synonym buns. I replied, you mean the ones grammar use to make? Now I'm blocked

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   The Early Bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.