Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was walking down a street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought.. "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson!

   What do men have in their pants that is 6 inches, has a head on it, and women like to blow it? Answer: A $20 dollar bill

   They had 16 and pregnant, now can we get an '18 and graduated' or '21 and Established?' Then again, y'all ain't gon watch that, shame.

   I'm looking forward to going back in time tonight.. between 1:am to 2:am you can do whatever you want only to have it all erased when you go back in time!..I've got plans! ;)

   Looking to prank someone? Put Bieber tickets on really cheap & post their phone number.

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.

   Do you think Ken ever got mad because Barbie's knees don't bend?

   The Black Eyed Peas are to music what actual black-eyed peas are to music

   If I ever catch my girl in the act of cheating I hope homeboy can sing so we can have one of them mr.biggs and r Kelly scenes...

   Probably didnt think through the whole yelling at my boss 'Youre not the boss of me, Bruce Springsteen is.'

   Life is a b!tch, and Monday's its son..

   Nobody is calling you man...TAKE THE FN BLUETOOTH OUT OF UR EAR

   So when a girl Poke$ me on fb, is it like a $trap on or something?

   Before I post a joke on twitter I tell it to my windmill... He is a HUGE fan.

   Spike Lee must have planted that extra passport and assets on George Zimmermen!!!

   Am I the only one when they heard about the hand & foot delivered to Ottawa I thought " that's sick!" But when the other set arrived in Vancouver 10 days later I thought "Wow, Canada Post Sucks!"

   "Hahaha, nice!" = "I'd like you to stop talking to me now."

   My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   Fat, single and ready for a pringle!!!