Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   done signing autographs

   Fat girls should not wear tight jeans... just sayin

   Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

   Pandas are living proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

   It's hard to maintain good eye contact with a cute pedestrian once she slips beneath your wheel.

   One of the greatest advantages about having a child in diapers is that there is always a constant supply of Desitin for the mornings after I ate some wings or Mexican food.

   Enough with those "He went to Jared

   This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

   playing punch buggy with your mother

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   REPOST!! URGENT FACEBOOK UPDATE: As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to settings, then privacy, then meals. Click the top two boxes to prevent the employees of Facebook from eating your be

   committed to TWAT. (The War Against Terrorism)

   asks do crowded elevators smell different to midgets?

   If curling is a sport in the Winter Olympics, how come shuffleboard is not a sport in the Summer Olympics?

   Be the fruit loop in the cherrios of lives

   Vidal Sassoon, he was head and shoulders above the rest....

   when I was growing up, we were so poor we would go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers.

   Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.

   Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

   Dear Fork, I thought you should know; you have a son.His name is Spork. -Spoon P.S. He has your hair.