Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

   REPOST!! URGENT FACEBOOK UPDATE: As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to settings, then privacy, then meals. Click the top two boxes to prevent the employees of Facebook from eating your be

   committed to TWAT. (The War Against Terrorism)

   asks do crowded elevators smell different to midgets?

   If curling is a sport in the Winter Olympics, how come shuffleboard is not a sport in the Summer Olympics?

   Be the fruit loop in the cherrios of lives

   Enough with those "He went to Jared

   Vidal Sassoon, he was head and shoulders above the rest....

   when I was growing up, we were so poor we would go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers.

   Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.

   Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

   Dear Fork, I thought you should know; you have a son.His name is Spork. -Spoon P.S. He has your hair.

   My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby's gotta be so clean by now. Girls are weird...

   I bet the "most beautiful teen contest" is ran by some 40 year old perv in the back of a rape van.

   A woman recently fell off a pier while texting. Don't worry; she's OK. Before she hit the water, she was able to Google "how to swim."

   You know you're in the wrong part of Montana when you get up in the morning and go to the motel lobby and the television is tuned to MSNBC

   [Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.

   Hang on, let me change from my home Crocks to my going out Crocks. Then we can go.

   Imagine if we lived in a world where the children of Gaza received as much media attention as Kim Kardashian's haircut did