Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Cookies n cream" ice cream is really just cookies and ice cream.

   Friendly Advice: If you run out of Chapstick, just use chicken sh!t. It doesn't help your chapped lips, but it keeps you from licking them.

   Facebook may say that we are friends, but I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face!

   To all my friends with short attention spans,

   Nobody knows the person you no longer want to be like your family.

   Don't have safe sex unless you know the combination.

   It's adorable how people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   "An idea whose time has come cannot be stopped by any army or any government." - Ron Paul

   Too many kids don't know what it's like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).

   The New ipad (3) These aren't the Droids your looking for..!

   Fun fact: If you say 'Bloody Maury' into the mirror three times, you WILL be the father

   Don`t you wish you could just Google anything? Like; "where`s the remote?" Google: "under the couch"

   When life gives Lady Gaga lemons... She makes an outfit.

   I heard “The Thong Song” three times today! Did Sisqo die or something?

   If you`re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual...

   LOVING CAPS LOCK

   If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   A chinese couple had a black baby guess what they named him? Sum ting wong

   What happened to all the people who were gonna die in Florida because fans celebrated after the Super Bowl a month ago? Libs know the jig is up on the panicdemic.

   May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.