Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God should have made stupidity painful.

   Best Film went to a silent movie made by Frenchmen and Best Foreign film went to Iran. 2 sure signs the world is ending soon.

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   Don't worry if you think you're crazy, even the tall oak trees were once nuts.

   My favorite thing to make for dinner is a reservation

   I'm taking my Bon Jovi sat-nav back to the shop.It keeps telling me I'm halfway there.

   You win some, you booze some.

   "Cookies n cream" ice cream is really just cookies and ice cream.

   Friendly Advice: If you run out of Chapstick, just use chicken sh!t. It doesn't help your chapped lips, but it keeps you from licking them.

   Facebook may say that we are friends, but I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face!

   To all my friends with short attention spans,

   Nobody knows the person you no longer want to be like your family.

   Don't have safe sex unless you know the combination.

   It's adorable how people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   "An idea whose time has come cannot be stopped by any army or any government." - Ron Paul

   Too many kids don't know what it's like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).

   The New ipad (3) These aren't the Droids your looking for..!

   Fun fact: If you say 'Bloody Maury' into the mirror three times, you WILL be the father

   Don`t you wish you could just Google anything? Like; "where`s the remote?" Google: "under the couch"

   When life gives Lady Gaga lemons... She makes an outfit.