Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Motivated Idiot: Just found out Vodka is made from potatoes.... Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! I'm currently looking at this carrot, any minute now I'll be a genius.......

   Ok, so Christmas has just started. I guess it's time to start buying Easter decorations!

   According to a recent survey just released this week, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. Even worse, the other two-thirds have urinated in their own laps.

   I just realized immature spells I'm mature.

   Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus... I wanna be 19 again.

   Don't make conclusions when you are not involved. Don't judge others on their mistakes when you are making your own.

   "Well Fine! If you don't have anything nice to say...Then.. Take off your clothes..!?!"

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   If you can't live without me, Why aren't you dead yet?

   I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, i'd drink it.

   If I sold underwear, they'd be pre-streaked for those poor dudes who feel embarrassed because they don't know how to wipe properly. My slogan? "We've got this s*** covered."

   Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.

   The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

   God should have made stupidity painful.

   Best Film went to a silent movie made by Frenchmen and Best Foreign film went to Iran. 2 sure signs the world is ending soon.

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   Don't worry if you think you're crazy, even the tall oak trees were once nuts.

   My favorite thing to make for dinner is a reservation

   I'm taking my Bon Jovi sat-nav back to the shop.It keeps telling me I'm halfway there.

   You win some, you booze some.