Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   conducting a test of the emergency Facebook system. If this had been an actual emergency, then you need help because who looks at Facebook during an emergency?

   in the mood to watch some Disney movies!

   less than a God, but more than a man.

   looking for a leprechaun. I've already shook down all the midgets and short people I know. Guess it takes a real leprechaun to get to that pot of gold.

   ..thinks you look fabulous! Who did it and how much?

   HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! May your day be filled with joy and love. Then tomorrow you can go back to hating each other's guts!

   Surprise n shock as A KILLER whale kills a highly trained animal trainer! Duh! killer!

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself… especially when that something is Proctology.

   If at first you don't succeed, dispose of the witnesses and say you did...

   At the Halloween store: the "Slutty Frankenstein" costumes aren't flying off the shelves.

   When someone "pokes" you, I wish you could respond with a "stab directly in the heart"

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy? Or is it just her?

   waiting for the global warming people to push for the abolishment of the two utensil system by legislating the mandantory use of the spork to cut down on green house emmissions...it could happen!

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   Plagiarism on FB is getting really bad...I made my status "Going to Work" and within a few minutes, over a 100 people stole it...

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   If sex is a pain in the a$$ then you re doing it wrong!

   ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?

   has poor taste in clothing... I've seen wounds dressed better than me.

   - Almost 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer.