Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A happy ending is only an asian massage parlor away.

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   How can there be self-help “groups”?

   sometimes I wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss!

   You need to carry Lifesavers on you religiously because they will serve their purpose. In your pockets & in your car. Do it. Trust me.

   looking for a leprechaun. I've already shook down all the midgets and short people I know. Guess it takes a real leprechaun to get to that pot of gold.

   ..thinks you look fabulous! Who did it and how much?

   HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! May your day be filled with joy and love. Then tomorrow you can go back to hating each other's guts!

   Surprise n shock as A KILLER whale kills a highly trained animal trainer! Duh! killer!

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself… especially when that something is Proctology.

   If at first you don't succeed, dispose of the witnesses and say you did...

   waiting for the global warming people to push for the abolishment of the two utensil system by legislating the mandantory use of the spork to cut down on green house emmissions...it could happen!

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   Plagiarism on FB is getting really bad...I made my status "Going to Work" and within a few minutes, over a 100 people stole it...

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   If sex is a pain in the a$$ then you re doing it wrong!

   ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?

   has poor taste in clothing... I've seen wounds dressed better than me.

   - Almost 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer.

   The UN is just another organization who likes to bang their fists and holler about human rights and enjoy seeing their name in print.