Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm sayin is how do you expect your gluteus to be maximus,,, if you don't eat your bacon?

   My first childhood Lesson was that if you dream you're having a piss, you are most likely having a piss

   Just my luck, first time I get a B.J and it's from a hooker with Asthma !

   Whenever I hear an Italian say that they love Olive Garden, to me that translates to, "My mama was a lousy cook."

   Why would Americans burn the flag when they could burn calories?

   Remember ladys, being good may get you a few nice presents but being naughty will get you diamonds.

   Yeah, I saw that meme too. Nice originality Delta Oscar Uniform Charlie Hotel Echo, Bravo Alpha Golf

   For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2016 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

   With the advent of the new year, we will see more technological advancements to make our lives easier. They will also be the cause of our ultimate demise. Everything has its price.

   Nothing says IDGAF more than an old woman playing the slots in the casino while wearing an oxygen tube and smoking a cigarette

   Just got back from 2037 and there still debating on the nominee Jeff Sessions.

   You can always count on me to feel you up when you're feeling down

   I found a way to lower my bills - I quit paying them.

   "I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   Most girls will spend Valentine's day alone because their boyfriends will be with their wives

   Ever have one of those nights you were almost involved in a threesome, but one hand fell asleep. . .

   My new home security system is a bunch of Tanaka airbags.

   Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?

   Meanwhile, in hell, the Devil is all like ... "What have I done?"