Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.

   My Chinese neighbor man was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.

   Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

   As a Fat bottomed girl, I'm not sure how we're expected to make the Rockin' world go round. That sounds *way* too much like exercise to me

   Darn I just realized I missed the Grammys again which now makes like 10 years in a row.

   Will no longer appear as "Husband on Sailboat" in a Viagra commercial due to a contract dispute. I'd appreciate privacy during this time.

   All I'm sayin is how do you expect your gluteus to be maximus,,, if you don't eat your bacon?

   My first childhood Lesson was that if you dream you're having a piss, you are most likely having a piss

   Just my luck, first time I get a B.J and it's from a hooker with Asthma !

   Whenever I hear an Italian say that they love Olive Garden, to me that translates to, "My mama was a lousy cook."

   Why would Americans burn the flag when they could burn calories?

   Remember ladys, being good may get you a few nice presents but being naughty will get you diamonds.

   Yeah, I saw that meme too. Nice originality Delta Oscar Uniform Charlie Hotel Echo, Bravo Alpha Golf

   For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2016 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

   With the advent of the new year, we will see more technological advancements to make our lives easier. They will also be the cause of our ultimate demise. Everything has its price.

   Nothing says IDGAF more than an old woman playing the slots in the casino while wearing an oxygen tube and smoking a cigarette

   Just got back from 2037 and there still debating on the nominee Jeff Sessions.

   You can always count on me to feel you up when you're feeling down

   I found a way to lower my bills - I quit paying them.