Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   operating a safe distance from genius this morning.

   Cosmopolitan ..is a sex manual for women..

   Time's Person of the Year is The Protester. So, Merv the Perv who protests in front of the abortion clinic every day is Person of the Year. SMH

   You're so old your idea of going out on a Friday night is taking a walk to the outhouse.

   Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

   if he dont get called "gay" enough (even though I'm sure he isnt) Beiber makes a song & decides to call it "Boyfriend".....way to stop the jokes & rumors

   All I need to know is, listening to your girlfriend with both the ears open is multitasking right?

   torn between the options of a two hour walk or a two hour bath...

   Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence.

   How come it seems like every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she magically becomes right?

   I can't wait for the next Micahel Bay movie, where he destroys a kids tv show,.....My Little Pony.....yeah now you girls don't think it's so funny lol

   Watched The Hunger Games. Got the munchies.

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.

   One of the best holidays...comes tomorrow when candy is 50% off!

   The problem with Facebook is that everybody is on it. We plan to build a competing social network with nobody on it. - GOOGLE

   Women need that perfect combination of "Yes Dear" and "Hush Yo Mouth Woman"..

   The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you.

   Official #Facebook IPO slogan: "You've already wasted your time on Facebook. Now waste your money."

   It's not that I can't sleep it's more like sleep is really boring.

   If I was ever given just one month to live, I'd watch a baseball game. It's an eternity.