Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mess with telemarketers! Some aren't allowed to hang up, so answer the call, take a shower, have a snack, then say "no thanks."

   The last time I had surgery the Red Cross had to team up with Grey Goose to match my blood type.

   this is what has happened when the have Giants won the Superbowl....1987 Black Monday Stock Market Crash,1991 Gulf War part 1,2008 Economy Crashes....2012

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   thinks animal testing is a terrible idea; what if they get all nervous and give the wrong answers?

   Skrillex looks like Darlene from Rosanne #GRAMMYs

   Sorry about the texts I sent you last night.... My phone was drunk.

   operating a safe distance from genius this morning.

   Cosmopolitan ..is a sex manual for women..

   Time's Person of the Year is The Protester. So, Merv the Perv who protests in front of the abortion clinic every day is Person of the Year. SMH

   You're so old your idea of going out on a Friday night is taking a walk to the outhouse.

   Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

   if he dont get called "gay" enough (even though I'm sure he isnt) Beiber makes a song & decides to call it "Boyfriend".....way to stop the jokes & rumors

   All I need to know is, listening to your girlfriend with both the ears open is multitasking right?

   torn between the options of a two hour walk or a two hour bath...

   Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence.

   How come it seems like every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she magically becomes right?

   I can't wait for the next Micahel Bay movie, where he destroys a kids tv show,.....My Little Pony.....yeah now you girls don't think it's so funny lol

   Watched The Hunger Games. Got the munchies.

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.