Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   vodka is made with potatoes....i have a lot of family who like "health drinks"

   There must be something behind the power outage at the super dome, may be stop the momentum??

   Dear English Majors: How did the word "Dingleberry" get it's name?

   The designated driver's most important job is making sure no one gets any tattoos!

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   "Ugh...I get one CALL?? Can I please just text someone?" ~me in prison

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".

   Ladies, if you unnaturally alter your appearance so drastically it's all one sees, don't be shocked when you attract the shallowest of men.

   If you don't want a Sarcastic answer don't ask a Stupid Question!

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   The absolute worst thing I did when I was drunk was getting married.

   The fact that you can still make me smile really pisses me off.

   I post sunsets and call them sunrises just so my friends don't know I sleep till Noon...

   Good things are free; bad things are also free.

   my kids hit me up for money like a pinata

   One of the worst things that can happen to you is closing a tab by mistake and you don't know which website was it on.

   If you sucked as much as your attitude does, all the men would be much happier.

   Allow me to ignore your existence while you are in a crappy mood.

   Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast...

   My happiness is sinful; my sadness is fruitful. My existence is questioned.