Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, if you unnaturally alter your appearance so drastically it's all one sees, don't be shocked when you attract the shallowest of men.

   If you don't want a Sarcastic answer don't ask a Stupid Question!

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   The absolute worst thing I did when I was drunk was getting married.

   The fact that you can still make me smile really pisses me off.

   I post sunsets and call them sunrises just so my friends don't know I sleep till Noon...

   Good things are free; bad things are also free.

   my kids hit me up for money like a pinata

   One of the worst things that can happen to you is closing a tab by mistake and you don't know which website was it on.

   If you sucked as much as your attitude does, all the men would be much happier.

   Allow me to ignore your existence while you are in a crappy mood.

   Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast...

   My happiness is sinful; my sadness is fruitful. My existence is questioned.

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Deciding whether to sit by the sweaty obese man or the woman with 1 year old triplets is kind of the Sohie's Choice of flying on Southwest.

   Before I got married I had six theories about parenting. Now I have six kids and no theory.

   I can't believe I've been walking around all day with this massive heart on

   I know you didn't intentionally send me all those game requests, much in the same way I didn't intentionally b@sh in your $kull for sending them.

   She is not crazy, she is female.

   I have 250 mutual friends with this one guy on facebook. The weird thing is that I like all of them way better than him.