Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh,, and BTW... I would be the worst pharmacist ever. One for you.. One for me... One for you... Two for me... None for you... The rest for me...

   Me: *Nibbles first on a breast,,,, Gently kisses a thigh.... KFC Manager: Sir, please stop narrating out loud. Thank you & enjoy your chicken.

   In 15 years' time a girl with a Brazilian won't mean a neatly trimmed vag, it'll be a head shaped like a rugby ball.

   There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.

   today boring you? Go outside and lick a strangers face....that should spice things up a bit.

   My favorite things about kids is that I'm not responsible for any of them.

   Yay today is Pay Day!!! Although I really enjoyed eating ice soup for the past few days.

   To this day, it's still a mystery where exactly the four-leaf clover gene is actually located – and how it really works. But clover-shaped marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal are still magically delicious.

   Have we tried turning the U.S. off and back on again?? Works well for Earth Hour and political elections.

   Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

   My favorite holiday is, National Egg Salad Lunch Monday. . .

   if you wanna be something today be an encourager, there's likely someone you know that needs one.

   Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

   "Huh?" -Vincent Van Gogh................. "What?" -Ludwig von Beethoven

   When exactly do young chicks become old hens? Just asking for my wife and her clucking friends.

   To those with crappy moms, Happy ignoring your crappp mom day. It makes her miserable.

   Fact: When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

   A fun thing to do today when we leave the Zoo, will be to start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   Examination room walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any temple.