Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steve Martin's kid was born in December Idiot

   Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his f**king girlfriend

   how can you tell when your baby needs more oil and where do I add it??

   Anyone got a hand basket? I gotta go somewhere.

   I got health insurance again! I get to go to a english speaking doctor

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.

   I'm going to call my congressional representative and ask them to sponsor a bill authorizing the use of drone strikes over the United States.... as long as we can control them from our smart phones and we can target anyone who cuts us off on the freeway.

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.

   It's probably tough being black these days, having to memorize all those handshakes

   a Google girlfriend....im always searching for her :(

   I only get in the van if they offer me drugs and alcohol because screw candy I'm a grown ass man and you can't fool me.

   Off to church with the family. Hopefully it is "Facebook Friendly".

   The more I stalk my new neighbor, the better I feel I know her.

   They should change wording on “check engine” light to “this shit's gonna cost ya

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   Hold on Kanye, Imma let you finish, but first, Jay Z and Beyonce have already had the greatest baby of ALL TIME!

   Taylor Swifts new song: "He went One Direction and I went another"

   That a wkward m oment when you realize the last stair you thought was there isn't.

   That's enough; pregnant women on Facebook showing us their bump.