Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.

   It's probably tough being black these days, having to memorize all those handshakes

   a Google girlfriend....im always searching for her :(

   I only get in the van if they offer me drugs and alcohol because screw candy I'm a grown ass man and you can't fool me.

   Off to church with the family. Hopefully it is "Facebook Friendly".

   The more I stalk my new neighbor, the better I feel I know her.

   They should change wording on “check engine” light to “this shit's gonna cost ya

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   Hold on Kanye, Imma let you finish, but first, Jay Z and Beyonce have already had the greatest baby of ALL TIME!

   Taylor Swifts new song: "He went One Direction and I went another"

   That a wkward m oment when you realize the last stair you thought was there isn't.

   That's enough; pregnant women on Facebook showing us their bump.

   I don't understand why they're making such a big deal over the Tesco burgers..... Seriously, how many times have you said I'm so hungry I could eat a horse????

   Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.

   i don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits, so I'm not an alcoholic I'm spirtual

   ESPN's Ron Jaworski just apologized for saying "sh*t" live on the air during Monday Night Football. Which just goes to prove that 90% of sportscasters don't notice to all the dumb krap that comes outta there own mouths anyway.

   ■“'OMG ARE YOU OK?” ‘Oh yeah I'm fine, I Just like bleeding for fun.'

   When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

   Everytime you tell someone they got a piece of food on the side of their face, they always start wiping the opposite side of where its located....then you just wanna punch them for still not getting it.

   Who the f*ck threw this "work" thing right in the middle of my Facebook time? Am I being Punked?