Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.

   Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell.

   Metta World Peace, a.k.a. Ron Artest, just wished everyone a Happy Labor Day on Twitter...........................

   "Chickpeas? Chick, please! Check please!" - guy who hates garbanzo beans complaining to waitress about how she brought him garbanzo beans

   What if Deja Vu means you lost a life and started at the last checkpoint

   Free advice: Never attempt to shave a beaver when its got a hold of your log.

   An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...

   I'm sorry your grandma is in a coma but in my defense, she REALLY sucks at dodge ball.

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   This just in: iOS 8.0.2 comes with a new toggle switch to straighten out your bent iPhone 6 Plus.

   The truth is anyone who thinks we're still having global warming should look at what is happening in Egypt and realize that they're in DE-NILE. (Sorry I couldn't resist)

   I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door

   Fri(end) Girlfri(end) Boyfri(end) Br(forever)o

   My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.

   I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

   Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   PRO TIP: Before you buy the house, have here sit up on the kitchen counter to make sure the height is right.

   I got robbed at the gas station this morning. The cops asked me if I knew who did it. I said "Yeah. Pump 6."