Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse

   So let me get this straight. A woman who has fake hair, nails, eyelashes, breasts, lips, buttocks, as well as a fake tan also has the nerve to ask for a real man?

   Dammmmn right I'm good in bed I can sleep for days

   just heard that there is snow on the ground somewhere in every state in the union except Hawaii. Global warming, you know. . .

   just at the doctors office getting a prostate exam, probably shouldn't have eaten beans and saurkraut beforehand

   I should really turn my cell phone's voice recognition dialing off. I accidentally called Jesus Christ 24 times today. He's getting pissed...

   Every path has its puddle; where as, every Cosby has his pudding.

   I went to bed last night and my friends count was 557.. I woke up this morning and it was 555.. Jumped back up to 557 for a brief hour and a half then back down to 555.. Will the two fence sitting idiots please make up their mind.. Or I'll make it up for

   Now that I have lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.

   Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

   Tip of the Day: Be nice to midgets. They have short tempers.

   Galatians 1:19 But I saw none of the other apostles except James the Lord's brother.... Go to church fool

   Its Nelson Mandela day and his birthday today and people still wish him many many more years. For heavens sake the man is 93 years old.

   Hitting the LIKE button on your own Facebook status is like sending a text message to yourself then replying.

   was excited this morning when I received an email with a subject line of "Beaver" and an attached pic. My excitement was crushed when I opened it only to discover it was a picture of an actual beaver.

   I just came up with a new reality show. It's called "Pushing the Kardashians Into Oncoming Traffic." One episode is all you'll need....

   Dear guys that keep sending me creepy messages telling me how much you want me: You have as much of a chance with me as a midget does of being the next NBA superstar.

   I need an app on my phone to connect to the morons Bluetooth driving next to me so I can fart in his ear.