Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the Hope And Change has turned into Hump and Dump.

   I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate...

   The perfect work excuse: "Hello? Boss? Yes, I'm sorry, I will not be coming to work today. I'm having vision problems. I can't see myself coming to work today!"

   Look slavery is and will alwayz be wrong..BUT...I think I'm starting too understand white folks better cuz doing ur own laundry does kinda suck too

   You people should be ashamed of your self....Smoking poor defenseless plants like that! How would you like it if a plant came up to you all willy nilly chopped of your legs and smoked them in front of you! >_< Yeah that's right.... I went there. Hap

   Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!

   The best part of marriage is divorce.

   On a positive note..... North Korea can only reach the west coast, nobody cares about them anyways.

   I like picking fights with myself simply because the make-up masturbation is sooo good.

   I bet the man who discovered milk felt awkward when he had to explain why he was doing that to a cow in the first place...

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse

   So let me get this straight. A woman who has fake hair, nails, eyelashes, breasts, lips, buttocks, as well as a fake tan also has the nerve to ask for a real man?

   Dammmmn right I'm good in bed I can sleep for days

   just heard that there is snow on the ground somewhere in every state in the union except Hawaii. Global warming, you know. . .

   just at the doctors office getting a prostate exam, probably shouldn't have eaten beans and saurkraut beforehand

   Every path has its puddle; where as, every Cosby has his pudding.

   I went to bed last night and my friends count was 557.. I woke up this morning and it was 555.. Jumped back up to 557 for a brief hour and a half then back down to 555.. Will the two fence sitting idiots please make up their mind.. Or I'll make it up for

   Now that I have lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.