Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama advising the Europeans on dept reduction is like asking Bernie Madoff manage your investment portfolio.

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   y r men thinkers and women talkers? because men have two heads and women have four lips.

   Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

   I dreamed last night I was with Jesus and we were riding dinosaurs. Awkward...

   If anybody is interested in a job where you sit and drink beer, 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, for $8000 a week, contact me. We can look together.

   Breaking news the 5th Dentist caved and now 5 out 5 recommend trident gum!!!!!!!!

   I used to love to give pretend shots with a mechanical pencil

   facebook messing up your relationship??? well dial this number 1~800~LOG OFF!

   Dear conspiracy theorists, you may take the night off and start your 1st amendment right to rant idocies tomorrow, let us patriots have our moment! God bless the U.S!

   My farts aren't usually this loud. This chair just makes them echo.

   Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

   I think the Death Penalty Should be something BAD ASS..

   Doesn't feel bad for Hugh Hefner one bit and never will.

   Lightning strike at Caylee Anthonys memorial 'could be a sign from the angels'

   I hate when they print out a receipt and there's an option for Tip before you put the Total Charge. I'm not going to tip you just because you printed out my receipt!

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   We were actually 36th in math and 24th in reading. This is still nothing to be proud of but it still thought I should make it accurate.

   Too bad you can't afford to straighten those fcuked up chompers. Nice tat's though...