Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been trying to come up with an original joke about s luts, but they've all been done countless times.

   E HARMONY : I am looking for a women that never has time to do anything with me ,,must like hockey and loves to cook..do laundry and clean shaven,,thanx

   Relationships aren't tests, so why cheat?

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   wondering if Herman Cane came up with his 999 plan after a dinner date with a German woman...

   Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in the July issue...Michelle Obama got offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic.

   the greatest day ever will be when the US decides to nuke the middle East , killing all the camel jockeys

   "One time, I got so hammered I woke up a cave three days later" - Jesus

   can never tell gay and straight people apart. They all look the same to me.

   Nice guys finish last....Real men finish on her face.

   Obama advising the Europeans on dept reduction is like asking Bernie Madoff manage your investment portfolio.

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   y r men thinkers and women talkers? because men have two heads and women have four lips.

   Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter

   I dreamed last night I was with Jesus and we were riding dinosaurs. Awkward...

   If anybody is interested in a job where you sit and drink beer, 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, for $8000 a week, contact me. We can look together.

   Breaking news the 5th Dentist caved and now 5 out 5 recommend trident gum!!!!!!!!

   I used to love to give pretend shots with a mechanical pencil

   facebook messing up your relationship??? well dial this number 1~800~LOG OFF!

   Dear conspiracy theorists, you may take the night off and start your 1st amendment right to rant idocies tomorrow, let us patriots have our moment! God bless the U.S!