Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jason Collins said coming out of the closet would been a lot easier if his closet wasn't so FABULOUS!

   I think if I ever win the lottery I'm gonna get all my ex girlfriends incorporated into a life size whack-a-mole game.

   "WARNING"..This Status may be copied for quality and training purposes

   Cougars: The younger women may have the energy, but they have the experience.

   i should change my name to "period"....all the women seem to hate me

   I just got a new weed whacker today, And you could say,,,,,, (removes sunglasses) It's got, "Cutting hedge technology."

   My girlfrand said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't get women.

   I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad but then I realized it was my ex.

   I think one of the greatest regrets I'm going to have later on in life is that I've never participated in a Harlem Shake video...

   AACK! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1996. Ohhhh it is ON!

   Just discovered that one sock in my favorite pair of socks has a hole in it.....I really don't think I can go on with my day now.

   If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys! But then again most of them already do.

   I like my men like my Vodka: Gone in the morning!

   If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship... Get ya life in order before you try to share it with someone else.

   A friend of mine told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin, I asked how he could tell them apart, and he said her brother has a mustache.

   When life knocks you down...Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b!tch"

   I refuse to jump on the bandwagon and talk about Anderson's Pooper. I mean Cooper.

   Life is all about ass, everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one :)

   Santa is the original Voyager!

   Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is your List of Naughty Girls!