Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.

   i like kids, but I dont think I could eat a whole one

   It should be illegal to have humility as awesome as mine is.

   just because I have my cell phone number in my information doesn't mean you have full range of using it.. I would feel like a pretty big creep if I just took someones number off their page before asking for it

   Firefights recently rescued 2 men from an industrial clothes dryer. The men were listed in stable condition but missing one sock.

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   realized his neighbors are devotion Catholic couple. He usually hears them yellin' "Oh! Jesus" every night.

   not mean. He/She just wasn't born with enough middle fingers to get his/her point across.

   Tim Berners-Lee from Britain invented the world wide web/internet giving millions of idiots from all countries to argue about games that they don't ever play themselves.

   How to walk UP the down escalator:... Step 1:... Step 1:.... Step 1:... Step 1:...Step 1:...

   Who needs charm to captivate a woman when duct tape is so cheap?

   Heard Suarez got a cold shoulder from his teammates last night

   This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.

   As usual the UN remains inactive in yet another massacre in Brazil #WorldCup2014

   Siri, how do I unburn a jersey?

   "It's a boy!" I shouted as I ran away from the Thai brothel

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   I don't think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.

   Being human is expensive and exhausting.

   Silence is the best response to a fool.