Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nurses know Vicks Vapo Rub helps when you hear a minor cough, Robitussin helps when you hear a hoarse cough, and Mucinex helps when you hear a congested cough. Sadly no one knows what will help you when you hear a Fuh Cough.

   If it wasn't for professional wrestling the companies that make metal trash cans would go out of business

   You want to know who's amazing and got that cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :D

   Happy Tuesday ❤═════❤JUNE 21st ❤═════❤the Longest Day of the Year✿◠‿◠) Hope you are having an amazing day✿◠‿◠)

   Who stopped payment on my reality check?

   if Casey Anthony didn't pay her taxes, she'd be in prison right now

   You may be worthless to one person, but priceless to another. You just have to be smart enough to differentiate between the two.

   Hey idiots who worship celebrities; if they had to shoot you or their dog, they'd also chop you up and watch the dog eat you.

   Don't use your energy to worry...use your energy to believe!

   the death rate should be near zero with all the FB praying going on nowadays...

   If you get a call from a telemarketer, hand the phone to a three-year-old and tell him it's Santa Claus.

   If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!!

   McDonalds Golden Arches is kind of like Batman's Bat-Signal for fat people....

   I just bought a fridge magnet and it's working great. I have 10 fridges so far.

   Attention: Tonight's anticipated "northern lights" will not be presented. Due to US Government budget cuts...they were cancelled just like the US Navy Blue Angels and US Air Force Thunderbirds demo teams.

   Memo to Lindsay Von. When it ends badly, EVERYONE saw it coming except the Kardashians...

   Friday Night Pick Up Line: Either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it is your choice.

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   I've been sleeping at my desk for the past two weeks. ...I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   Soulja Boy needs to make a big comeback very soon or else this tattoo is going to start looking stupid.