Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the death rate should be near zero with all the FB praying going on nowadays...

   If you get a call from a telemarketer, hand the phone to a three-year-old and tell him it's Santa Claus.

   If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!!

   McDonalds Golden Arches is kind of like Batman's Bat-Signal for fat people....

   I just bought a fridge magnet and it's working great. I have 10 fridges so far.

   Attention: Tonight's anticipated "northern lights" will not be presented. Due to US Government budget cuts...they were cancelled just like the US Navy Blue Angels and US Air Force Thunderbirds demo teams.

   Memo to Lindsay Von. When it ends badly, EVERYONE saw it coming except the Kardashians...

   Friday Night Pick Up Line: Either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it is your choice.

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   I've been sleeping at my desk for the past two weeks. ...I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   Soulja Boy needs to make a big comeback very soon or else this tattoo is going to start looking stupid.

   has been sitting on this fence trying to decide which side is greener and the only conclusion I have made is this fence is hard and it makes my butt hurt

   I wish my smartphone was smart enough to shout from under the sofa's buttcrack, "I AM HERE!"

   happy Kim and Kanye are together, at least only one family is ruined.

   Paula Deen just got chopped!

   I don't know whats worse reading Ikea furniture directions or being a Tooth Pick Salesman in West Virgina

   Matching socks ain't nobody got time for that

   Now that Lance has come clean, I guess he's qualified to run for election in the House or Senate..

   studies show that only 1% of heart attacks are caused by physical intimacy, but 70% of that number is through extramarital situations, usually when someone yells "honey,i'm home"

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.