Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   Went out tonight, saw many women with hot costumes including Sexy Snow White, Naughty Nurse, Hot Cop, Horny Devil, French Maid, etc....but not one Will Leave You Alone During The Football Game and Give You a BJ during Halftime. The search continues...

   Old people tell the best stories.....

   not trying to be rude, but this lady in front of the line looks like she is mixed with mongoose.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   Apparently the perfect Obamacare plan for a guy like me includes birth control pills, maternity leave, abortions. And transgender operations. In case I want to take advantage of these services...

   Remember these 3 things: If you're a man, never take marital advice from Josh Duggar. Ladies, don't accept drinks from Bill Cosby & couples, don't let Jared Fogle babysit your kids.

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster!

   Look on the bright side, Hillary. Nelson Mandela did get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   the Republican Presidential race sounds as substantial as Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   RIP Uncle Phil (James Avery) you were the Prince of Bel Air!

   Joan Rivers may have been too old to be an organ donor, but be on the lookout for some fresh new faces on your local mannequins.

   25% of women take mood stabilizers, yea , the other 75% are runnin around unmedicated

   DOG DIARY: Today was so much fun! My master and I played fetch! CAT DIARY: Day 972 of captivity.

   Its better to be a good person then to have a good body.

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and damn tagging one another.

   Just to let you know, I'm never gonna let you forget how you believed that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles was running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotted against our country. Seriously, what were you smoking????

   Drink triple, see double, act single ;)

   annoying tip #27:when going on a nature walk with your wife, make sure the shovel fits in the backpack.