Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look on the bright side, Hillary. Nelson Mandela did get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   the Republican Presidential race sounds as substantial as Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   RIP Uncle Phil (James Avery) you were the Prince of Bel Air!

   Joan Rivers may have been too old to be an organ donor, but be on the lookout for some fresh new faces on your local mannequins.

   25% of women take mood stabilizers, yea , the other 75% are runnin around unmedicated

   DOG DIARY: Today was so much fun! My master and I played fetch! CAT DIARY: Day 972 of captivity.

   Its better to be a good person then to have a good body.

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and damn tagging one another.

   Just to let you know, I'm never gonna let you forget how you believed that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles was running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotted against our country. Seriously, what were you smoking????

   Drink triple, see double, act single ;)

   annoying tip #27:when going on a nature walk with your wife, make sure the shovel fits in the backpack.

   Nurses know Vicks Vapo Rub helps when you hear a minor cough, Robitussin helps when you hear a hoarse cough, and Mucinex helps when you hear a congested cough. Sadly no one knows what will help you when you hear a Fuh Cough.

   If it wasn't for professional wrestling the companies that make metal trash cans would go out of business

   You want to know who's amazing and got that cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :D

   Happy Tuesday ❤═════❤JUNE 21st ❤═════❤the Longest Day of the Year✿◠‿◠) Hope you are having an amazing day✿◠‿◠)

   Who stopped payment on my reality check?

   if Casey Anthony didn't pay her taxes, she'd be in prison right now

   You may be worthless to one person, but priceless to another. You just have to be smart enough to differentiate between the two.

   Hey idiots who worship celebrities; if they had to shoot you or their dog, they'd also chop you up and watch the dog eat you.

   Don't use your energy to worry...use your energy to believe!