Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Marijuana is a gateway drug." Yeah, a gateway to fun.

   took the "What color are you?" quiz and the result is: Plaid

   Money doesn't buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in my private jet

   Wait. The US has a soccer team?

   I saw Tom Brady hanging around my car.... Sure enough, I got in, started the car and the low tire pressure light came on.

   If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect -and I don't live to be- but before you start pointing fingers...make sure you hands are clean!

   Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, saying it "runs in your jeans."

   also slept with Tiger Woods.

   when love is in the air I put on my gas mask.

   not trying to be rude, but this lady in front of the line looks like she is mixed with mongoose.

   Old people tell the best stories.....

   I want to thank e-Harmony for the free match weekend...they are amazing...found my perfect match, sent the profile, and pic...we are getting together later today...I am so impressed and very curious how they got a picture of my left hand....

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   Went out tonight, saw many women with hot costumes including Sexy Snow White, Naughty Nurse, Hot Cop, Horny Devil, French Maid, etc....but not one Will Leave You Alone During The Football Game and Give You a BJ during Halftime. The search continues...

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   Apparently the perfect Obamacare plan for a guy like me includes birth control pills, maternity leave, abortions. And transgender operations. In case I want to take advantage of these services...

   Remember these 3 things: If you're a man, never take marital advice from Josh Duggar. Ladies, don't accept drinks from Bill Cosby & couples, don't let Jared Fogle babysit your kids.

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster!