Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3AM text message ''Hey are you asleep?''....''No I'm scuba diving!''

   I have a nagging feeling that I have a girlfriend.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, your already hard to want.....

   Would it be bad to eat a bowl of my son's Flintstone vitamins as a snack?,,,, Hahaha, I’m just kidding; I have no idea whose son this is.

   My wife finally agreed to have a 3 way with me. Her and her divorce lawyer fùcked over me really good.

   I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile... The rest of you 96% are stupid

   I wish nude pics had a self-destruct option when you break-up.

   Guys be quiet I'm calling my mom!..... person in background: "PASS THE WEED!"

   well, my wife got her annual breast x-ray today and my suspicions were confirmed. Slinkys...

   Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts.

   A healthy marriage means making sure there's always fresh batteries in your wife's vibrator.

   If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho

   Chick-Fil-A will be flying their pickles at half-staff today.

   Day,.....whatever...i am thankful for Mexican food,adult diapers, internet porn, and Kleenex

   I live mosy of my life on the edge... Cause my fat ass girlfriend takes up most of the bed and couch.

   In the words of Mike Tyson, "I am gonna **** this Monday until it loves me"

   Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.

   I like walking under the rain so no one knows I'm crying" ... B! tch please ! I like walking in the pool so no one knows I'm peeing !

   it beer thirty yet??

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.