Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts.

   A healthy marriage means making sure there's always fresh batteries in your wife's vibrator.

   If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho

   Chick-Fil-A will be flying their pickles at half-staff today.

   Day,.....whatever...i am thankful for Mexican food,adult diapers, internet porn, and Kleenex

   I live mosy of my life on the edge... Cause my fat ass girlfriend takes up most of the bed and couch.

   In the words of Mike Tyson, "I am gonna **** this Monday until it loves me"

   Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.

   I like walking under the rain so no one knows I'm crying" ... B! tch please ! I like walking in the pool so no one knows I'm peeing !

   it beer thirty yet??

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.

   I'm throwing in the white flag, I can't take anymore of this "winning".

   Donald Trump to Queen Elizabeth: "You did a great job on Bohemian Rhapsody! Great song."

   Watching Trump meet with various world leaders is like witnessing someone go on a bunch of really bad first dates.

   Sòdømy is not marriage. Pórnögraphy is not art. Desires are not rights. At this point I feel ignorance shouls b bliss. In a few years expect a lot of traumatized babies whose dad's screw each other..gross

   Trump For President! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!

   Instead of protesting the deaths of thugs, why don't you teach your children how to avoid being one in the first place?

   Eminem and Bruno Mars mixed together would a yummy candy bar

   I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

   gas prices are higher than Charlie Sheen !