Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If evolution is true, apes would still be evolving into humans.

   Joe Biden's teeth are so white , they'll probably vote for Romney .

   "the ""she"" in ""that's what she said""! "

   rihanna- ''oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name..." chris brown- Damn. Did I really hit her that hard?

   Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm Hilarious! ...and Sexy.

   The easiest way to not be offended by a joke, is to stop being a cu^t.

   Justin Bieber's first name isn't really Justin... all his previous boyfriends nicknamed him that for some small reason.

   Bernie "MAKE AMERICA POOR AGAIN"

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for selfies?

   If you ABSOLUTELY need to own an Apple iWatch, I don't think we can be friends.

   what do you call a nun with alzheimers?? a roamin catholic.

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far

   I love my UPS guy. He's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it.

   Roses are red Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellow I bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just plain old gardening facts.

   My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.

   My dog is following me around. He's either loyal or he's waiting for the right moment to shank me and make a break for it.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet

   As the world focuses on KONY 2012, which is a good project, let's remember the THOUSANDS on welfare that are out buying a Lexus!!

   can I see your license and registration meow?

   When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...